Thought conveyance portal.

Sorry it is all about me!…again

Decisions are tricky things eh?  If you choose to just coast and stay the course things seem easier, but you always stay in the same rut, life looks the same, feels the same and is the same…but different.  Nothing really remains exactly the same, for instance the ruts get deeper and harder to change course and see different sites.

Myself I am in a rut, not a bad one…actually a pretty sweet ride.  I have a great job that pays me well.  There are some annoying patterns that tend to bring me down, but in general when I look at my tax return I think.."What am I thinking about going to school for?..this is good pay!"  It is hard to give up a dependable good income to stretch forward to a distant goal.  I might come back to this job…I know my family sees it as inevitable. 

Quality of life is an issue for me… I want more. 
I have a family who loves me, and is proud of me.
I have a home; it is loud, often a busy place, often messes made by other people who do not clean up after themselves, often I do not feel I can entertain (the truth is who cares..those people who love me love me even with a messy house), and it is loud till late at night, it is  not mine. 
I have a good job.  But often feel trapped and bogged down, perhaps that is just feelings.  I feel like I am in a rut.
I have friends, good ones, and lots of them… I never have to spend time alone, well sometimes I do now which is good too, one needs time to think. 
I have a good church family, I feel close to them in a way I have not felt in a church before.  They accept my fumblings graciously and encourage me to keep trying.
But I want more… I want to see God more, I want a man, I want to travel more, I want to be excited in the future not see it stretch on and on. 

I am not sure what I will find when I go to school, I might just find out how great things were before I left, only to return to find they changed while I was away.  Actually I know things will change, they have to.  I pray they are good changes.  Perhaps with me out of the way my brothers can blossom into the smart and creative people they are?  They can take over the store in a way that they have been dreaming to do for years?  Hello this is a great business and it is at our fingertips… someone better tend to it..and here says the one who is leaving.

It is easier to stay, and easier to go.  I am spending 2 years and all my savings to go to school… I am 35… I am crazy… but I know it is the right thing to do… so I am going.


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