Thought conveyance portal.

Some mid week funnies Enjoy!..I did

*Gate Boarding*
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down
to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the
voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the
inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered
our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were
settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for
participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.

*Roof Leak*

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over
his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When
did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

*I Always Wondered About That*

During a summer break
from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard
repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a
piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One
of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut
with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest
apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing.
I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger
and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that’s why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

*Live to 100*

When
a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.
As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her
charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the
litany of complaints – this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower,
etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who’s 99."

*Tech Smoke*

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What’s the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You’ll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.

User:
No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files
and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later.

User: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech:
That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you
the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE
                                           

*Broken Bone*

While
leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I
overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray
technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt?"

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break?"

"My sister’s arm."

 *Chocolate Calories*

A good piece of chocolate has
about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on
weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals
one pound of weight per week.

Therefore…

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate
caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so
without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months
ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

*Suitor Approval*

A good friend of mine warned me
that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I’d disapprove
of every young man who took them out.

But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend’s prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don’t show you everybody."

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