Thought conveyance portal.

Why can I not take back that piece of my heart?

Phew….  I survived another "moment in time".  Darek came up for a visit, and all my old feelings came welling up inside me.  I went through all the attraction and all the rejection over 3 days.  It is not his fault he was a gentleman.  I thought I had it all cleared up and never thought this would happen.  I think it was acombination.  I know I should bath myself in the Word of truth.  Filling those empty pockets in my mind with truths and not lies.  I would then be more protected against combinations like I had last week.

Once I realized that it was not Darek I was longing for nor feeling rejected by it was much easier to recover.  I was longing for a real relationship, and I was feeling left behind and forgotten by God.  Which I know is not true, but it will take a while for my heart to be locked into that realization.  I am grateful to say I have good friends who care and listen.  I hope I didn’t hurt Darek by being upset, like I said he has the right ot visit and be friends with my brother.  I shouldn’t show visible signs of being upset, and I should be nicer.  I could have been meaner, but I really didnt want to be irritable at all and it irritated me that I was.  I was angry at the feelings I felt, not at the people who invoked them.  They didn’t do anything at all really. 

I guess the crux is that I never anticipated being single with no kids and just aging.  This is not what I feel was promised to me, but hello!!  I am healthy and well off, good friends.  God has been more than good to a sinner like myself, what right do I have to ask for more.  I do talk to God about what I really want and ask Him why I do not have it.  He listens, He loves, I think sometimes He cries for my breaking heart as well.  What I know as truth is He has a plan, and has created a place where I will spend the majority of my life.  This time on Earth is but a moment, it is eternity that He is calling me to, and preparing me for.  He is more concerned with my salvation than my love life …  shucks!! 

I am glad to say that He walks with me as I travel this road, and if there will be a man with a heart in tune with His… perhaps God can trick him into loving me too??  Perhaps LOL..  I know one thing, I am not settling for anything less, no matter how smooth the wrapper… sigh…


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