Why can I not take back that piece of my heart?
Once I realized that it was not Darek I was longing for nor feeling rejected by it was much easier to recover. I was longing for a real relationship, and I was feeling left behind and forgotten by God. Which I know is not true, but it will take a while for my heart to be locked into that realization. I am grateful to say I have good friends who care and listen. I hope I didn’t hurt Darek by being upset, like I said he has the right ot visit and be friends with my brother. I shouldn’t show visible signs of being upset, and I should be nicer. I could have been meaner, but I really didnt want to be irritable at all and it irritated me that I was. I was angry at the feelings I felt, not at the people who invoked them. They didn’t do anything at all really.
I guess the crux is that I never anticipated being single with no kids and just aging. This is not what I feel was promised to me, but hello!! I am healthy and well off, good friends. God has been more than good to a sinner like myself, what right do I have to ask for more. I do talk to God about what I really want and ask Him why I do not have it. He listens, He loves, I think sometimes He cries for my breaking heart as well. What I know as truth is He has a plan, and has created a place where I will spend the majority of my life. This time on Earth is but a moment, it is eternity that He is calling me to, and preparing me for. He is more concerned with my salvation than my love life … shucks!!
I am glad to say that He walks with me as I travel this road, and if there will be a man with a heart in tune with His… perhaps God can trick him into loving me too?? Perhaps LOL.. I know one thing, I am not settling for anything less, no matter how smooth the wrapper… sigh…