Thought conveyance portal.

More rantings ..but froma calm mind

I used to hide in my closet as a child… Not because I wanted to be alone, but because I wanted to be found.  I wonder if I am still in that closet?  I have a hard time telling people straight on what I am thinking… I want them to figure it out and tell me what I am thinking.  I don’t like making decisions because what if I make the wrong one and miss something…  But I miss things because I don’t make decisions, and HELLO.. a person makes decisions everyday..duh!

I am back in La Crete thinking..how can I find a way to be happy where I am?  I was told if I just wanted a promiscuous experience that I could find one… my reply was "Where????" (not that I want some one-nighter with Mr. Wrong).  I guess I have become so jaded that I can’t see what is around me, and I have made this place a prison.  How do I peel off the layers to be happy where I am.  I don’t know if moving would help me..no matter where you go there you are.  I fight the idea that I am the "problem"… I was in Maryland, people liked me, I met people…why didn’t I let myself connect with the Ranger??  That could have been cool…he was cool.  Why can’t I tell other people they are cool… want to get to know me better??  I get to a point and then I think "nah it is just me.. I’m just attracted to them because they are my friend and they are nice to me.  There is no way they  could be interested in more." 

What do I have to offer anyway?  My heart, my life, my hope..my hands, my feet..  I know I am of value, people enjoy my friendship, but I am full of fear of rejection… I hide it in th eback of my mind, until it rears it’s head.. and says "damn girl U ugly…"  or some other lie.  But I wonder about what is wrong because I am still single… seemingly with out recourse…

Again back to the unpeeling of the layers I have placed on La Crete…  I guess I’ll jus thave to be happy being single and visiting with marrieds and girls…as that is all I know of here.  I was okay with being single, waiting on the Lord… I can get back there..perhaps.

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