Thought conveyance portal.

Just jokes for a Saturday lunch hour

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl
home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important
first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how ’bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!"

"No way. It’s just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can’t."

"Pleeeeease?…"

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister
shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister
says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if
need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud
tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some metaphors written by students in high school English class….

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
New York at 6:36 PM traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Chicago at
4:19 PM traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either,
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my
co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has
pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked
with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head and
smiled.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed
my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I
like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you’ll like this one." (ain’t that the truth though!!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last summer, my husband, took me camping for the first time.
At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day
we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to
determine direction — moss on the trees (there was none), direction
of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the
distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned
and led us right back to our camp. "That was terrific," I said. "How did
you do it?" "Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all the
TV satellite dishes point south."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.

The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely
damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I
reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"

The driver had put, "Full gallop."

I originally thought.."hmmm I wonder how many jokes I can find that make me laugh"… Then I realized I find humor in life and it doesn’t have to be a joke to make me laugh.  There are just too many possibilities to post at this point in my life   I hope your day is shining brightly, and that you find all that you seek in it.  Those who have ears let them hear.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s