Thought conveyance portal.

Driving humor..only if you have a few minutes :P

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. 

He said, ‘I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
    A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The
    blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully
    steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them
    and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
    The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
     and private parts to approaching drivers.
    Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
    It isn’t very long before a police car arrives. The
    officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde in the disabled vehicle
    yelling, ‘What’s going on here?’
    ‘My car broke down, officer’ says the woman calmly.
    ‘Well, what are these obscene cardboard
    pictures doing here by the road?’ he asks.
    ‘Helllooooooo!!!!’ says the blonde.
     ‘Those are my emergency flashers!’

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> it said oil and motor it is in <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
    
     The marriage of  80 year old Bulldog Dave to his 20 year old housekeeper was the talk of the town.
     After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
     The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate  old Bulldog
     And said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
     Bulldog  grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
     The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
     The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate Dave.
     She said, "Dave, you are something else. How do you manage it?"
     Bulldog Dave  grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."
    A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
    The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached  old Dave, smiled, and said ,"Well, you really  are something else! How do you do it?"
     Dave  replied, "It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."
    The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
     Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one’s black."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> sorry ladies <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my goodness! Am I driving?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> evil and devious..hmmmm <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A blonde was driving home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a bad hail storm. The hailstones were the size of golf balls. Her car was dented beyond description.
The next day, she took it to a repair shop. Noticing that she was blonde, the technician decided to have some fun.
He told her to take the car home and blow real hard into the tailpipe and the dents would pop out.
When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as she was instructed. At that moment, her blonde girlfriend drove by and saw her puffing on the tailpipe.
Thinking the worst, the friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?"
She said that the man at the body shop told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.
Her girlfriend said, "Well, duhhhhhh! You need to roll up the windows first!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlanta.
The brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is partying having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asks, "What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> why do we hate them so? <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A truck driver was zooming down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his obligation, he stopped to give the priest a ride.
A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and the driver aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn’t run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.
Looking back as he drove on, he didn’t see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest.
"I’m sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don’t worry, son. I got him with my door."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> drives me to tears it is in <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Man walks into the Doctors office.
"I have the results of your test and I’m afraid you’re going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live?"
"Ten", replies the Doctor.
"What the heck does that mean", the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks. What?"
The Doctor Replies "Nine.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>   uh oh my criteria has changed…. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Three Blonde Men escaped from a jail. As they were running from the police, they ran into a river. The first man dropped to his knees and prayed that God would make him smart so that he could get across the river. He was immediately turned into a redhead and made a raft to get across the river. Soon, he escaped. The 2nd man began to pray that God would make him smarter than the man before him, and was turned in to a brunette. He made a boat and rode across the river to safety. The 3rd man asked God to make him smarter than the 1st two men and was turned into a woman. Smiling, she(he) got up and walked across the bridge!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I had criteria? <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a "clunk."
He then made a left turn and again heard a "clunk."
Back at the shop he opened the car’s trunk, and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Who knew? <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Q: What is the difference between a plastic bag and Michael Jackson?

A: One is plastic and harmful to children and the other just carries things!

>>> morning, day or night.. just add "good" to the one that suits your time zone..  and apply to yourself 😛 I am finished here. nite

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