Thought conveyance portal.

Just needing to talk…

Wow.. today is one of those days…  I am itching to talk and don’t really know who to call!  If I was at home I might join TS to just talk about or listen to whatever was happening.  I probably need to talk to someone specifically, but just can not identify the person at this point.   
 
I am not sure what I want to say on here anymore.  It used to be that no one read what I typed and that I could vent, blab, laugh or cry what ever I needed at the time, but with people actually reading this I find it harder to express what I am really feeling. 
 
Right now I feel like crying, but it is more because I am tired of things being the same.  I am trying different things to change life in general, but I get trapped in the same situations all the time.  I want to be an asset not a pain in the ass (which might be my true calling) 
 
Ever just feel broken?  Like there is something wrong with your thinking and you just can not figure out what it is?  Or riding the waves of life rather than steering your own ship? 
 
I told a friend that I was a drift at sea sometimes close to shore and sometimes way out there.  I remember being on the ferry headed for NewFoundland this summer, you could only see the water, the sky and the boat.  It was a peaceful feeling in someways, could be scary if I wasn’t headed towards land.  Funny thought just occurred, I guess even when I could not see where I was going I felt safe because I knew I was headed in the right direction and would reach land.  I never thought about it before now. I can not swim, and have a bit of a fear of drowning…even had nightmares about being in the ocean, no life vest only a Styrofoam dingy which was overturned.
 
I guess in my life I am not sure where my boat is headed so I am scared.  I am not so much scared of eternity, though I should be, as I am about the future.  Five years from now I want to look back on this time and see progress towards my goals.  Maybe then I will not be scared to live my life fully.
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